The following is my fine print, aka “Master Inventory of Canned Responses”* for resolving recurring online disputes. You
are free to should reference these yourself if the need arises.
- You, and only you, are responsible for finding the (humor) (sarcasm) (deliberate pegging) in any given post.
- Please instruct me on how I might use my time and talent to perfectly match your unique (sensitivities) (ignorance) (intellect) (discipline)!
- Your assertion of my (moral) (intellectual) (physical) inferiority has already been noted, and completely dismissed. You’re now free to resume whatever it is that otherwise occupies your (time) (life) (obsession).
- I acknowledge your attempt(s) at a (
simple-mindedclever) (devastating) insult.
- I recognize your effort(s) to prove your point from an opposing idealogical view.
- I’m willing to stipulate that you are a very big deal (online) (in your group of horse-people) (to other people who likewise (dislike) (disagree) (obsess about) me).
- I acknowledge your supposedly more (informed) (time-tested) (intellectually rigorous) (fancy-sounding) take on my post.
- I understand you are going to (stalk) (threaten) (make fun of) (obsess about) (whine about) (block) (unfollow) (block/unfollow) me for righteous reasons.
- I recognize the unfathomable injustice of my insignificant voice drowning out the (singular wisdom of yours) (collective wisdom of those you agree with).
- Thank you for (praying for) (cursing at) me.
- I accept that my (idea) (opinion) (experience) is not in alignment with that of the (person) (people) (snake-oil sales-person) you (board) (train) (stable gossip) (own the entire collection of DVDs and have become uncontrollably in (love) (lust) (obsessed) ) with; which you now assert as complete vindication of your superiority over me.
- Thank you for the correction of a trivial (spelling) (grammatical) (typing) (semantic) error which did not obscure the point of the post.
- I acknowledge your extrapolation of personal preference into a blanket judgement of objective value.
- I appreciate your honesty, but it is none of my business what you think of me.
- Thanks for (correcting) (criticizing) (dismissing) my subjective interpretation of something by offering up your own as definitive.
- I am insufficiently (agreeable) (ironic) (sarcastic) (competitive) and, therefore, bad; and you are optimally (agreeable) (ironic) (sarcastic) (competitive) and, therefore, good.
- I confess to the exaggeration you identified. This technique is sometimes used to highlight (humor) (irony) (idiocy) (things we accept, unquestioningly, which should be questioned).
- I accept your (declaration of victory) (accusation of cowardice) over my refusal to (engage) (debate) (argue) (prove myself) to you.
- I am in receipt of your unsolicited complaint about the relative (humor) (interest) (value) of a particular post.
- I enjoy (personal insults) (made-up-facts-presented-as-evidence) (personal-experience-as-evidence-of-a-universal-truth) and thank you for your submission of such. Your message has been received, acknowledged and may be shared on my (site) (facebook page) (annual update) to spread your (ideas) (opinions) (intelligence or lack thereof) or otherwise entertain me when I’m running short of (cheap) (free) (easy) (unintelligible) entertainment.
- I sense my writing displeases you. I suggest not (reading) (sharing) (obsessing over) it.
*PourMeCoffee’s Fine Print
*Edited upon special request.
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