There are two ways to be nice – authentically and inauthentically. What is the difference you ask?
Authenticity -being real, honest, something genuine.
Inauthentic – intended to decieve, not authentic or genuine ; spurious.
Often the difference between being authentically nice, kind, giving; and being inauthentic are the motives behind the two. There are no alterior motives to being authentically nice. There are no thoughts that if you do this then you will get that in return. You aren’t attempting to save face and pretend to be someone you aren’t, or save someone from hurt feelings – because in the end even that kindness is often worse.
What made me think about writing this post was an unique opportunity I was given yesterday. Not only did I have an encounter with two people in particular, but one gave me a genuine opportunity to do something unexpectedly nice when there were no motives other than my wanting to give. I met a homeless gentleman and we were chatting in the library of all places – it is rather cold outside. Nothing about him would have made me think he was homeless, it was simply through our relaxed conversation that it happened to come up. Just before he left he inquired whether I could spare a quarter that he was short for his bus ride to the shelter for the night. I had known that if I waited I would be given the opening to offer him some money, to give him something that I happened to have a rare abundance of that day. It was a different knowing though, that the chance would arise. I wasn’t waiting in resistance, or hoping that it wouldn’t happen. I simply knew and was thankful that I would have the chance to give him something that I was able to give. I gave him my last $10 and what I had left of a delicious dark chocolate bar that I had left from my lunch.
What surprised me was not so much the interaction itself, but what came out of it. I honestly felt a sense of joy and happiness from doing something for someone else; as much as I have, if not more, when I’ve accomplished a personal goal, met a challenge, or otherwise gained personally. I wasn’t expecting that.
I cannot even claim that I feel that way when I am nice to others and am inauthentic about it – when I have other motives, no matter their severity. It diminishes the quality of the interaction. But being authentic makes a huge difference.
Horses sense this same energy when we not only give them the opportunity to give freely of themselves without ulterior motive, and when we give to them without other motivations. Too often the horse does what we ask of him so that we will release the pressure, stop annoying him with repetitive tapping, give him food, turn him out with his friends, etc. Any response we coerce out of the horse for ulterior motives is as inauthentic as any other. And when we are nice in return to the horse that too comes with inauthentic reasons. We are nice so we can catch the horse, groom the horse, saddle the horse, ride the horse, win a ribbon, so he will like us. We are nice because we fear the response if we are not nice, or to avoid prolonging the time it takes to get from point A to point B. We have spun into a cycle of being nice for the wrong reasons, instead of being nice because of our loving nature.
Something to think about…
