It’s March and the weather is warming, then cooling, then raining, then snowing. My body is in a fight to survive this weather. I have Fibromyalgia and CFS/ME. I am in 24/7 pain and have exhaustion that can hit so severely that I cannot climb the stairs without my heart bounding and getting out of breath.
Several years ago after two years of my horses in rehab my instructor went to my husband to discuss my future as a rider. I truly think she thought she was helping. Frustrated no doubt by illnesses she just could not get her head around and a personal philosophy of “Just rub dirt in it and go on.” She believed it was time for me to sell both my horses and give up riding. So in the winter, during my worst time, she told me this with my husband. At the barn, in front of everyone. My poor husband just wanting the best for me and believed she was right. I felt betrayed and devastated.
I see this all too often. Trainers and instructors telling people that their horses are no good (after the trainers ruin them) and riders that they are just not able to ride anymore. This is not an issue of whether riders with illness or physical pain should or can ride. This is an issue of an uneducated group of people that do not know how to teach or train anything that is not the most resilient and tough. Along the way horses get discarded and riders break.
I spiraled down into sadness, confusion and depression. Still there was that tiny flame in me that was enough for me to say-NO. This is not what is right for me and I want to find those that will support me in my dreams and goals. I had to find a way.
The solution was the Classical methods. No force riding. I had taken this approach with the damaged horses I had rehabbed throughout my life but never ever thought how no force, for my body was key. Horses are repaired and kept sound this way by the Classical methods. Why not riders? Riders of all physical levels can produce lovely results with their horses and continue to do the thing that feeds their soul. Yet how many Masters or trainers even consider riders like myself? As a trainer I am devoted to helping everyone achieve their desires. No force, no pain, no limits. Just kindness, understanding, joy and peace. Now let’s get going.
Next: What is your commitment?
Perhaps what your instructor did, was what was necessary to spur you into succeeding. Perhaps discussing things with her after that episode could have kept your relationship productive. When riders are only left with “a tiny flame’ for whatever reason, it is pretty tough on instructors to be a doctor, psychiatrist, life coach and protector all in one. I find riders are often unaware of their true feelings, or they are not willing to share them and the instructor is left guessing. If the relationship was good up to a certain point and then everything falls apart over one incident, then the relationship was not what it was thought to be. I would feel guilty being paid for looking after someone’s horses if their ability to ride was limited. “Can they really afford the expense, am I taking advantage of them” are thoughts that run through my head.
A person has a job they hate and kids that rule them and coming out to ride is scaring them because no matter what horse they ride they have baggage they carry and can’t get over. They end up blaming the instructor for all their bad experiences. Is it the instructor’s responsibility at $25 an hour to make that person think they are wonderful and have no problems? You do not have to brow beat people, but stroking fragile ego’s is not called for either. There are people who can’t take correction, who think they are beyond that, and just want pleasant experiences to reaffirm their opinion of themselves.
People often discard instructors because of lack of communication and lack of willingness to accept the truth as it is at the time.
I don’t have a problem with people’s physical problems, but the willingness to address/face them and do what it takes to surmount them (resistance free riding still takes a lot of body and mental strength and control) makes it impossible for some people to stick with anyone or anything.
Physical limitations do not need to extend into mental weakness – which you have obviously proven.
I think instructors ought to have life coach skills. It is the foundation I build my teaching on and I am thoroughly trained as a Life Coach. It is not enough to just teach the technical aspects of riding. There is not one person that does not bring what the struggle with with in life to the saddle. It is a flaw in our system that we look at people the way we do. Just as in our school system. If the child does not fit in the model they are discarded and ignored. As instructors we cannot say we will not work with someone on the very things that hold them back. Just as we do not discard horses because they are complex and in need of understanding. Co-creation does not happen without understanding of the horse at a higher level or understanding of human nature. Yet, there are more incompetent trainers than there are good ones.
As an ex Grand Prix jumper rider and hunter rider I am no stranger to training with some of the toughest coaches out there. I am not silly enough to have not thoroughly discussed my training with my instructor. I have two instructors now, one being a Master. Neither of them have any issue with my riding or the limitations of my illnesses. In fact I am told more than once that illnesses are a benefit to my Classical work since I cannot ride with any force.
The horse world in general is a cruel and mean place. I have seen things on the circuit that are horrible. To horses and riders. Over and over again. I have seen amazing riders give up because some trainer does not think they are worth the time. I have heard trainers say the hate their students…..It goes on and on. I am here to change that.
I just tumbled upon your blog and this is the first entry I have read. But I would have been furious, frustrated, livid, in tears, and all other emotions if I were treated as a person not capable of thinking or speaking for myself. If someone went behind my back like they did in your case.
From reading this blog entry, you seem mentally very capable, so I have no idea why someone should bypass you. They should have just said that they had reached the end of the road in their capability of training you. Just as riders need a fresh view from time to time, it should be okay for a trainer to say it is time to move on. If she would have said to you that she thought you needed a new wind, a fresh view, a new trainer. That she felt she was in a repetitive routine, which is not good for either one. Or say that your horses are not her type, so it is time to find a new trainer who believes in them as much as you do.
There are so many ways to honestly yet gracefully part. Don’t train me just because I pay you (although it is a valid reason you train me, as we all need our income) but train me because you want to help me learn. You don’t have to love my horses, but believe in us as a combination.
I hope your new trainers truly inspire you and I look forward to reading more blog entries.
Thank you for sharing this Susan! It can be very painful to experience an instructor who lacks the skills for direct communication, or who simply know what to do or say when they are presented with a student they are not equipped to teach.
Very often riding instructors hang a shingle up because they are effective riders, and not always based on their ability to relate to other riders or even people. I think this is why it is not rare to hear stories of instructors screaming at their students, belittling them and in general being enraged during “lessons”.
I do want to point out though that it seems that coupled with the great pain of this experience was also coupled a great gift for you to know exactly how it feels from a student’s perspective to have an instructor go behind your back and lack basic communication skills. That is a lesson that most instructors will not learn in their lifetime and will not be able to pass along to their students to further improve the state of equestrian education in this country.
I hope your students know how blessed they are to be able to benefit from the struggles you have first hand knowledge of, all of which will impact their path to riding success as students of yours.
Cheers,
Erica
If an instructor has an attitude or teaching method that is contrary to how you need to be taught, why stick so long with them. I agree teachers are born, not made. I have intelligent people taking lessons but many are not good at confrontation or dealing with the truth. They buy the horse that does not suit their skill level and end up blaming me for their lack of success. When I originally discussed their strengths and weakness with them, they assured me they knew what was good for them. So, they pursue a path that makes them frustrated and angry. I am not saying this is what you did, but a lot of people do do that. I don’t mind life issues, “where ever you go there you are”, you are you with all your strengths and foibles whether you are playing diddly winks or being the president.
I get students who have been with the kind of instructor who has brow beaten them or simply “taught” them garbage. They come to me eventually, because I teach differently, and they expect miracles because they heard I was “good”. I also have horses who have suffered from poor practices and riders still expect that because they have chosen the right path, everything will be great immediately. Maybe I just live in a unusual area. Maybe I just expect too much.
Ann,
It is a blessing that you are a good instructor that cares about their students more than a paycheck but I assure you that there are not many that are like that.
It is a long story why I stayed with my trainers (one who is very famous) and I am not going to get into it here. I am actually writing a book about my experience and the recovery of my FEI horse and myself.
Why do women stay in abuse marriages? It is not for us to judge. I have watched a very, very famous trainer scream at on of his students (after they drove to Florida from New England) and tell him to put down his horse and to never ever ride anything more than a bicycle. This trainer has a loyal following that believes every word out of his mouth and will do anything he says. All this for 150.00 for 50 minutes. I wish this was an isolated incident.
It does not matter if someone buys a horse that is out of their level. (Heck most trainers do this so they have a horse they want to ride, not what the clients actually need.) In the end it is up to us to be able to teach them as they need to be taught. To guide them. Be their champion..Not confront and not make wrong. There is no make wrong. People cannot hear when you make them wrong. There is co-creation and partnership. Just as we do with horses. I see and hear them greater than they see themselves. That is what a coach does. That is what I do as a Life Coach. If someone expects miracles than I find out why that is so and we deal with that. I take someones winning formula in life (winning formulas do not work in the saddle) figure it out and dismantle it. If someone is not ready to stay with it when it touches the uncomfortable place in themselves then they do not stay with me. It is a choice. Not right nor wrong. Simple as that.
When I look at my teaching and training from the perspective that I responsible for all outcomes it is very liberating. Having taught the handicapped and special needs children I can say first hand that there is never a moment when you can blame the rider for the outcome. It is all up to you as the instructor. At all times.
I want the same from my coach. Long ago I was working toward the Olympics and International competition. I am not doing that now. I consider the Classical work to be Art. I want a partner in that. I give my all. I do not think it is too much to ask of a Coach.
Sue.
Susan,
You mention a great point – why do women stay in abusive relationships. Why does anyone do something which they know hurts them and does not help them? Why do alcoholics drink; smokers smoke; liars lie and thieves steal? What is it that we need in that moment, or in those moments, and what truth are we carrying with us to make the situation okay for now but perhaps not for later? What made you leave the relationship when you did? Rhetorical question, but something to ponder.
As equestrians what makes us okay with riding our horses one way until, like a light bulb moment, we suddenly become conscious of the need to change or to pursue a different direction?
I was thinking late last night about where wisdom comes from, actually was thinking about it because I was thinking about politics and our current presidential candidates as well as previous presidential campaigns. Somehow our society has come to believe that we can be born wise, intelligent and all knowing. At least that is the idea put forth by individuals who are so wise as to lead our country even that they have never in their life made a mistake. They have never tried a drug or been arrested; they’ve never been caught in a compromising situation where they did not think it through before gleefully going along with it.
What is wrong with this idea is that there are always lessons in life that can ONLY be learned the difficult, painful and mistake making way. For a great many years I followed every word and idea of one of my trainers and also believed for a time that Natural Horsemanship could not be wrong or have any shortcomings for horse and rider. Of course now I do not think that way. Why? Because I had several horses who told me otherwise. I had horses who felt they had to become violently oppositional in order to get their point across, and luckily I listened but it was already too late for some of my horses who had lost trust in the methods I was riding them with and I was never able to fully regain that.
We are humans and we have to climb up the tree and fall out of the branches despite our parents telling us we shouldn’t or we’ll get hurt. Their words mean nothing to us until we feel that pain for ourselves. In the same token once we’ve learned that lesson we will likely one day tell another not to climb up that tree or we’ll get hurt and they won’t want to listen or will not be ready to until they’ve learned some lesson themselves.
As instructors it is important that we use all of our abilities and life lessons to help benefit our students. At the same time there will be times when they have to go out and away and fall out of that tree before they can learn and appreciate all of the wisdom we have to pass, or any instructor in their life. I rode with a very great teacher and in the beginning he told me that he preferred to have students come and ride for a year or two, then leave for a year or two and to be in the “real world” before coming back. Why? Because they would not be able to appreciate what they had until they saw what else there was out there. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe him, it was that I was young and stupid and did not fully understand what he was saying. I had a Massage Therapy instructor who also said something similar to his students, that we would not realize how good our schooling was until we had gone out in the real world and seen what else there was to compare it to.
And you know what? He was right. I did not take advantage of every moment I could have worked and ridden with him, though I did try to glean as much as I could I did not go out of my way. I did not realize how precious that time was and just like he said – now that I am in the real world I realize just what a great opportunity I had.
But would I change a thing? No. If I did I would not have that piece of wisdom to carry with me and to color the future of my interactions. Even bad instructors teach us things. Even abusive husbands teach us, or abusive instructors. They say that without extreme pressure carbon cannot become a diamond, without pressure, abrasion, hurt and even injury we cannot grow as people. Look at many of the celebrities who are popular right now for absolutely nothing, who have been given everything they have and have not had to genuinely work for anything. People around them do not tell them the hard truth because they want to be on the inside, to be in good. These celebrities are not growing and becoming wise, they are promoting the superficial and materialistic. The fake and false and unreal. I do not aspire to be a celebrity-style equestrian, I want to be the diamond that came from carbon and I see the same beautiful sparkle from you Susan. :)
Cheers
As a rider with chronic fatigue I understand your dismay at being ambushed and “written off” by someone you were trying to learn from. It was very encouraging for me to hear how you overcame this and found a way to continue to grow as a rider. The riding you do and the results of your training will be lighter and more willing than anything this “teacher” will ever do. As I ride my horse tonight I’ll remember that “less is more”. Thank you!
I am daily contending with a degenerative auto-immune arthritis, and it’s coincidental that the date of this post was also the date I was urged and assisted back around and onto horses, by my very capable classical dressage coach. I hadn’t seen her in six years, when we saw each otehr again it was as if no time had passed. I had gained nearly 80 pounds and lost pretty much every iota of body confidence. One afternoon bareback on a friend’s Percheron mare, and I remembered how very very good horses were to and for me.
Six months later, I’m teaching and riding again, up to three days a week: I have begun to trim up and walk better, and my medical team is flabbergasted at the progress I’ve made and strength I’ve regained. I still hurt, every day, but the horses (and Nancy) have reignited my faith in myself and my dreams. When I have a lesson, her fair assessment is “You can tell which leg is your weak one.” Not: “You should give up,” never “Maybe take up driving” but “More! Do that again, better! You *can* do this!”
I am blessed to have a coach that gets me and gets how hard this is on my body, even as she seen how fantastic it is for the whole of me.
Briana,
How wonderful that you have found an instructor that is your partner and not just someone asking you to fit into their idea of riding. It takes someone with foresight, empathy and commitment to more than just what the think they know. I am sure your courage and your commitment is inspirational to her. I can assure you that you are teaching her as well. Your post inspires me.
<3
Sue