To be more specific, was his natural tendency to rear or buck under saddle when he doesn’t want to do something.

Questions like these always make me pause. Not because I don’t know how to answer, but because I don’t know that when a person asks this type of question they really want the answer I have to give; which is that a horse only reacts in these ways when we as riders fail to understand the horse communicating he is uncomfortable or not ready long beforehand. It is when we continue pushing the horse that we eventually force him to respond in bold ways to get our attention.

I started Aligarh under saddle this spring, and he’s been very good. Did he act out ever? Yes, he bucked one evening, his second ride and first being ponied. Why? Because I failed to see he was telling me he was uncomfortable with the speed we were progressing at. Plain and simple, it is my fault he bucked – not some natural tendency on his part to misbehave.

To the contrary, Aligarh and every other horse I have started under saddle have all been very interested in working and learning and avoiding conflicts. I argue that it is not a horse’s innate nature to “misbehave,” whatever that is anyways.

Perhaps if we take a step back and look at what “misbehavior” looks like anyways, is it not just the horse doing something we do not want? That is the joy of relationships right there… it is a partnership and comprises of two separate minds coming together. They may not always agree but they don’t always have to disagree either if communication and compromise are in full force.

I rode Aligarh today, it has admittedly been too long as I’ve been swamped and then sick. First ride in my Dressage saddle but he moved out beautifully at the walk, is turning nicely and halt is spot on. We are still working in just a halter but he is as sensitive in that as he could be in any bit. There were moments where he was unclear about whether he wanted to move out, if he wanted to go the direction I was asking. Rather than applying more force to him I merely waited him out and let him sort out what it was I wanted. Very shortly it clicked for him. Honestly, had I pushed him though I would have incited “misbehavior” in no time flat.

So many times in working with horses the definition of reality depends on the direction of your perception. Is the horse misbehaving or are we? Perhaps another great question would be what is our natural tendency as riders to misbehave?

Among those has been his complete inability to relax and stretch down into the snaffle while being ridden. Instead every effort to encourage him to stretch down and out has only resulted in further dropping of the back, raising of the head, neck and lateral resistance.

Here is where I inject the idea of incorporating the double bridle in an unconventional manner. Up to this point I had only ever worked him in a snaffle, even through collected work as that was all that was required. Now he distrusts the snaffle and any action made through it; so how do you break through a mental/emotional barrier with your horse and reestablish communication, trust and ultimately relaxation?

I decided to make an attempt by incorporating the double bridle. My reasoning went along these lines :

1. The curb bit applies an action on the mouth completely different from that of a snaffle, separating any bad associations he may have with the snaffle bit and its action.
2. The double bridle, as opposed to riding bitless or in a curb alone, allows me to transition from using the curb back to the snaffle in order to reestablish a good relationship with the snaffle bit and reduce or even eliminate further use of the curb bit.
3. The curb bit’s action works on the poll which should, in theory, encourage lowering of the head and eventually stretching forward, down and out; the ultimate goal.

Generally speaking the double bridle is, for many, considered the coveted step towards further collected work and even the Grand Prix. For me it has become something outside the box, an effort to reach my horse through all of the baggage he is carrying.

I rode him for a time in the double without touching the curb reins, and even just on the snaffle rein alone the addition of the mullen-mouthed curb seemed to settle him some. Still, he refused to stretch down and out. His gaits could only progress so much and his physical conditioning could only improve to that limit as well.

Finally, I picked up the curb rein. I rode him holding the reins in the Fillis style, with the snaffle rein held between the thumb and index finger and the curb rein coming up through the bottom of my hands. I wanted to be able to influence each rein as separately as possible so to keep any confusion for him at a minimum with the new bit coming into play.

They say the curb bit in the double bridle acts on the skeletal structure of the horse, directly influencing the joints. Whereas the snaffle is influencing the muscular structure. The curb is a powerful addition to communicating with the horse, and also very important to be judicious with its use since it is a leverage force and therefore what amount of pressure you hold in your hands will be multiplied in the mouth of the horse you can easily overpower them.

Jobi’s initial reaction was to bring the head higher – but still no different than his attempts to resist the snaffle rein. What was different with the curb however was shortly after raising his head he made another response and lowered his head, stretched his nose down and out and chewed the reins softly. A first since he has been back at home with me.

Success!!

It is well documented that the curb does not act on the horse’s mouth in a way that encourages lateral suppling or flexion. The function of the curb is to flex the neck longitudinally, lower the head and bring the nose inwards. I do however want to make the argument that a horse who is in resistance and head-high is also void of lateral suppleness and flexion, be it through action on the snaffle, curb or a bitless bridle. Meaning, that if the horse is resisting through the snaffle it will be lacking in suppleness as much as a horse worked solely in the curb bit which does not act on the mouth in a way to create lateral suppleness and flexion. It is important that the horse be able to work in relaxation, one of the base principles of dressage to begin with.

Jobi and I have had several rides now like this, a few of riding solely on the curb rein at walk and trot. Our latest ride however was on the snaffle alone and I am very happy to report that Jobi is making the connection and we’ve broken through much resistance. His walk has improved to such a degree that it is like night and day, his back is involved again and no longer like riding a plank of wood. Transition into trot is energetic and still relaxed, and the trot itself is missing the pogo-stick bounce which is tell-tale of a hollow back.

There are times when one needs to act like a scientist in riding and training the horse. To theorize solutions to problems and to explore rather than accept only what has been handed down in writing and popular practice. Asking questions is the start to all of that and by continuing to ask questions we open the door to hearing answers from our horse as well; who knows better than we do what he needs at any moment.

This brings me to that word ‘commitment.’ I ask each of my students and clinicians to tell me their commitment around their work with their horse. This request is often met with silence. A commitment cannot be “I want to jump 5 feet” or “I want to reach 4^th level in two years.”  Those are goals.  A commitment is ‘a pledge or promise.’ Riders have lots and lots of goals. When you mistake a goal for a commitment there are no boundaries around what you will do. There are many, many coaches out there that can get you to the top, but at what price?  How often has a coach asked their students what their commitment is to their horse?

My commitment as a rider and trainer is “To have the well being and health of my horses at the forefront of all I do.”  From that foundation I can decide what training methods align with my commitment. What trainers I choose to work with. What equipment I ride with. What I read and study. How I feed my horses. How I interact with them. The list is endless. The curious thing is that, when you have an unwavering commitment to something, it bleeds to other areas of your life. You become so much more aware of what truly matters in life. I cannot sacrifice my riders, my husband, my child, my finances, my friends, for a goal.  It does not align with my commitment.

This does not mean I cannot have goals.  My goals are now larger than when I was training for the Olympics. I probably will not have the glory of that silver tray and a crowd cheering as I take my victory lap around the ring. I will not have little girls wanting me to sign their programs. Yet, when I leave this earth, I know that I leave it with horses that have been allowed to be glorious without sacrifice and riders that achieve their dreams without damaging anyone or anything in the process.  I do not think I could ask for more.

What is your commitment?

This last weekend I had the pleasure of spending four hustling and bustling days at the Midwest Horse Fair in Madison, Wisconsin. I participated in the Bashkir Curly breed demo with Jobi, as a last minute invitation was extended to us. I also helped a few friends at the fair with their own commitments and had the chance to help hold horses for the Saturday night show as well as practice on Thursday evening. So many horse friends and chances to listen to new ideas and thoughts on horsemanship.

For anyone who has attended a horse fair, you will know that along with lots of beautiful horses comes untold numbers of tack and equipment vendors. At the Midwest Horse Fair the majority are grouped into the Alliant Energy Center where it is aisle after aisle of every kind of horse tack, gift, clothing and therapy imaginable.

You may notice this on a busy day at the local grocery store, walking down these aisles became hit and miss as far as navigating through the mass of people. Most people appeared as though they had no idea where they were at, where they were headed, or what was around them. Almost as if they were on sensory overload – which may very well have been the case considering all of the horse tack..

It was not infrequent that someone would be wandering and cut others off without realizing – as though they had blinders on. Or they would stop mid-aisle in just such a way that there was almost but not quite enough room to get around either side of them.

During this moment of navigating I started thinking about our own awareness of our body in space and time, and even self-awareness of our actions as riders. Perhaps this is the greatest blockade in our learning curve. It can help prevent us from having the balanced seat, independent aids, light hands and proper timing. We can allow our minds to take us away from what is happening in the here and now, or to shut us off from what is happening around us in the moment.

And where does the horse fit into all of this? If we are unaware of our body or the moment can we also be blocking the horse from being able to perform what it is we are asking of him? I would argue yes. This may be the biggest area to overcome in the key to clear communication with the horse. If we are aware of our body in every way then when we communicate we will be able to align every aid and our own position in space in time to support the horse in performing the request rather than giving mixed signals.

Next time you are in a busy store take a moment to look around. How are people responding to each other as they attempt to move around and navigate the masses, and how are you interacting or not interacting with people yourself?

Some time ago I researched the most appropriate saddle pad for my riding when I posted Saddle Pad Saga. Until I looked into the research already available about the qualities and benefits, as well as the cons, of various saddle pad material I was rather in the dark. I think this is a common place to be in for many riders, and I was very surprised to learn that good, old-fashioned fleece is still at the top of the list over many of the composites and man-made materials that have been created in an effort to improve shock absorption, heat transfer, breathability and comfort.

In my own horses I noticed a significant difference when I switched to using a Fleeceworks pad, of course Mattes brand is also another high quality option. Their backs are healthier and they work with more enthusiasm and without the hesitations they had previously.

I am also happy to see that no matter your saddle style or saddle pad preference you can pretty much find it – from half-pads to full pads for both dressage and all-purpose/close contact saddles.

Fleeceworks FXK Halfpad with Piped Edge at Equestrian Collections

I have long been in search for a great pair of plain english reins with the right quality of feel. At the same time I really begrudge the idea of a pair of reins costing upwards of $100+ for a strap of leather, no matter how high quality.

When I saw these I had my doubts – synthetic tack can vary largely in quality, feel and weight. I am SO happy I took the chance on these reins, ordered a pair and I have been in love with ever since. They have the perfect weight and feel in the hand, while also feeling soft and supple like quality leather reins instead of synthetic reins.

Not only that, they are affordable and I really like that they have the quick change buckles on the ends for convenience. State Line Tack carries them for $26.99 in both black and brown.

Tekna Snaffle Reins at State Line Tack

I ask these questions because I think that it is valid to question the aim of commenting, whether it is on a blog, a video, a picture, news story or anything else where you are invited to share an opinion. Perhaps Sherry Turkle is correct in saying that as technology advances we grow steadily less interested in developing conversational ability or even basic human interaction skills. We would prefer to interact with our technology, which just so happens to be connected to your technology too.

What has spurred me to talk about the purpose of writing comments consciously and with intent was a comment I received this morning. It is not uncommon for people to criticize what I write; you cannot put yourself out there and not come across passionate disagreements. On the whole Writing of Riding receives far more positive and informational comments than outright negative ones, and most of the negatives are pretty PG… with exception to 99% of those comments made on the post “Do Barrel Racers Cross the Line into Abuse?“

In my observation, comments that come across as wholly negative and attacking are generally based on a lack of facts or information and a goal of crushing any conversation. They are not open ended, nor do they invite input from other people. They are emotionally driven, or even written from some kind of fear based reaction.
I propose however that if your purpose is to prove the person wrong perhaps the best method is to provide factual information, delivered in a non-aggressive manner. Afterall, what is the first reaction you would have to being slapped in the face? I can almost guarantee it isn’t admitting you were wrong and adopting your attackers’ ideas…

Let’s dissect a negative comment to see just what it is made up of. Below is the aforementioned comment I received this morning.

It’s unfortunate that people like you exist in the horse industry. All the horses I see that are trained by your “so called” philosophies, are horses that do not use there backs as they have not been trained to strengthen there backs. You are all talk but absolutely no proof that you can master the true art and athletisism that is dressage. You have complete disregard for the fact that you are trying to prove that what these top top athletes have accomplished on the world stage is false…. All because you simply don’t have the knowledge, dedication and true devotion to the sport that these riders have.

to say that Edward does not know what he is doing and to even elude to the fact that he is abusing his animals is ludicrous. He has proven himself to be a world champion rider on several different horses in several rings against hundreds of riders.

Who the hell are you? What have you done on a horse? Taught a horse to invert while performing Piaffe/passage? Cause that’s what I see from folk such as yourself…. how bout the infamous hoping and hollow back tempis I see all too often from miseducated riders such as yourself….
Maybe once you prove your model on the world stage and in the FEI ring competing AGAINST these athletes, the ones you literally SLANDER (which is illegal by the way) maybe once you actually PROVE YOUR MODEL is CORRECT by WINNING MULTIPLE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS against them… then maybe you can have an opinion, but until then, perhaps you should start seeking legal counsel regarding the type of misappropriation and slander you have publicly cited on your website.

You stupid un-educated “all talk and no ride” gossip queen… you don’t even deserve the word equestrian, because you have clearly demonstrated the complete lack of knowledge to be a true equestrian and to completely 100% understand what it means to be at the top and to stay at the top…

It’s people like you that make me ashamed of the horse industry… so go back and play with your parelli shit and who knows maybe your horse will smarten up one day and learn how to smack you around with the stick one day…. One can only hope!

Put your money where your mouth is or shut the F#@^ up cause you don’t know what you are talking about!

- S; on the post Edward Gal Uses Rollkur

Okay, let’s take a deep breath and separate some of the added fluff and look at just what the main points of this commenter’s arguments are.

1. The horses trained by “my” philosophies do not use their backs and have not been trained to strengthen their backs.
2. I have provided no proof of my mastery of dressage.
3. I lack the knowledge, dedication and devotion to the sport [of dressage].
4. I have stated that Edward Gal does not know what he is doing, and that he is abusing his animals.
5. I have taught a horse to invert while performing piaffe/passage.
6. I am a miseducated rider.
7. I have slandered someone.
8. I am not allowed to have an opinion because I have not proven my model to be correct by winning multiple world championships.
9. I should begin seeking legal counsel for misappropriation and slander on my blog.
10. I am a “stupid un-educated ‘all talk and no ride’ gossip queen” who does not deserve the word equestrian.
11. I have demonstrated a lack of knowledge which precludes me from being a true equestrian.
12. I do not 100% understand what it means to be at the top and stay at the top [of competition].
13. I have made this person ashamed of the horse industry.
14. I should go back and play with my “parelli shit”.
15. I do not know what I am talking about.

Okay, so just 15 easy points to touch on! That was easy..

As a quick aside – I think it is important to talk about this not just because I don’t believe in quietly accepting someone’s personal attacks, but because how many of us are afraid to put ourselves out there in the public eye; to voice an opinion for fear of being attacked in just such a way as this? And believe me, it is very common in any online forum for this to happen. Why is it okay for someone to try to make you feel less-than, from a point of anonymity at that, when any form of art and creativity is only an exploration of making mistakes in order to become better? It isn’t okay and I hope that this can serve some purpose for others who have felt shy about being criticized as an equestrian (or in any other part of your life).

I am going to address these points in order.

1. The horses trained by “my” philosophies do not use their backs and have not been trained to strengthen their backs.
   I am wholly confused as to what philosophies the commenter is referring to. Are they talking about French Classical Dressage which I have studied, or Parelli horsemanship which they remark about later on – but I do not use Parelli’s methods. This statement is very vague and often negative remarks will be globally inclusive instead of pointing to a specific instance.
2. I have provided no proof of my mastery of dressage.
   I have never claimed to have mastered dressage. It is a constant work in progress, but considering most masters of dressage are long dead I do not feel lonely in the quest for being a better rider for my horse.
3. I lack the knowledge, dedication and devotion to the sport [of dressage].
   They are correct on one part. I do lack a dedication and devotion to the sport of dressage. I have no desire to compete, but that also does not preclude me from pursuing dressage outside of the competition arena, nor does that make me in any way less than those who decide to compete.
4. I have stated that Edward Gal does not know what he is doing, and that he is abusing his animals.
   I have not said Edward Gal is unaware of what he is doing – I believe he trains his horses purposefully and with great intent. I do however believe that the manner in which he approaches training using hyperflexion/rollkur is abusive based on studies which have shown horses trained in this manner to develop permanent physical changes in the neck and to display behavioral patterns synonymous with animals which have been abused.
5. I have taught a horse to invert while performing piaffe/passage.
   I am not certain where the evidence for this is? I am unaware of ever having intentionally taught a horse to invert while performing any collected movement. Further I will point out that inversion is the opposite of collection…
6. I am a miseducated rider.
   Again, a very broad accusation. In what way am I uneducated? Because I have posed an opinion opposite of theirs is usually the reasoning behind making this argument. Afterall if you are unintelligent and uneducated you cannot possibly have a valid opinion.
7. I have slandered someone.
   Definition : slan·der, noun
   The action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person’s reputation.In a court of law, slander is in regard to a spoken statement, not a written one. Also, it is a false statement of which I am not guilty of in this regard. I have stated that Edward Gal uses hyperflexion – a fact that is proven in the recordings of publicly available videos online and in pictures of him schooling and teaching other riders. I have stated that hyperflexion is abusive, which also has research demonstrating just that.
8. I am not allowed to have an opinion because I have not proven my model to be correct by winning multiple world championships.
   The word “correct” is misleading here. There are many forms of “correct” coming into play in the world horse horsemanship, including the difference between winning a competition and winning over your horse. There are training methods which are correct in order to win at shows, but which will not win over your horse nor be in his best interest. Also, I do not have a model, least of which one that I am concerned about proving against those in competition. I do not compete therefore our goals are not synonymous.
9. I should begin seeking legal counsel for misappropriation and slander on my blog.
   See #7 above regarding slander on the blog. As for misappropriation – again this term is thrown in vaguely with no reference to what exactly I am using illegally, or embezzling for that matter…
10. I am a “stupid un-educated ‘all talk and no ride’ gossip queen” who does not deserve the word equestrian.

1. I have demonstrated a lack of knowledge which precludes me from being a true equestrian.
   What does “true equestrian” mean? Is it a special club I was not informed of when I got my first horse? And again another vague reference to some means by which I have shown I am uninformed, “stupid”, etc. I’m starting to feel like I’m in high school…
2. I do not 100% understand what it means to be at the top and stay at the top [of competition].
   Of course I don’t, I don’t compete. This statement is a distraction attempt – what does being at the top of competition have to do with proving you are knowledgeable about horses or riding in any way? How does that make you less than other equestrians?
3. I have made this person ashamed of the horse industry.
   That is a power I do not possess. Sorry but I do not freely take on the responsibility of “making” someone feel a certain way – and certainly not someone I do not know. If you feel ashamed of the horse industry it may be time to look at other reasons why, not including pointing fingers at other equestrians.
4. I should go back and play with my “parelli shit”.
   This one left me scratching my head, for a few seconds. Truthfully most negative comments seem to include false accusations and assumptions – this one being that I must be a Parelli student if I am criticizing the use of hyperflexion/rollkur by Edward Gal. For the record I do not use, nor support the use of, Parelli or any of his methods. Where this idea sprouted from I am uncertain.
5. I do not know what I am talking about.
   According to who? Why don’t I know what I am talking about? This comment lacks any supporting evidence or reasoning.

There are times when I read negative comments which remind me of the eternally popular trend of women tearing each other apart without due cause. We are all in this together, we are all equestrians.

So where does commenting responsibly come into play? I am not referring to censorship, in fact the above comment is published and can be read in the original blog post; instead I am talking about commenting from a place of conscious intent.

When you go to the barn to work with and ride your horse, do you lash out with no control over your emotions in order to make him feel less than you? No, because it would serve no purpose. Yet, comments like the one above seem to do just that – lashing out with such raw rage as to make constant attacks, false accusations and assumptions, to belittle and tear apart, even attempt to shame.

The better question to ask is what our purpose is to the greater good as an equestrian. Are we only looking out for ourselves; seeing a very narrow view of our place in the horse community as a whole? It takes but one person to begin changing the shape and fate of equestrian culture. To improve the welfare and well-being of all the horses that we are responsible for.

One way to start the change is in our interactions with one another. Technology is a large part of how we interact in daily life – and a way for equestrians to cross the boundary of location, discipline, breed, level and goals. Choosing to use our communications in a way which grows learning, education, information sharing and a real discussion on what is best for the horse is perhaps the greatest task that we can have as equestrians connected through the web.

There are ways to express your disagreements which do not utilize personal attacks, name calling, accusations and outright misinformation to support your opinion. In fact, presenting opposite opinions and ideas can be useful in spurring great discoveries about ourselves, our riding, our horses and even our lives when presented in a conversation vs. an attack.

What have your experiences been in both giving and receiving comments? Have you ever received a supporting or critical remark that was handled responsibly to open up thoughts and conversation?

For myself, I will mention briefly one of the latest comments which I began reading and instantly felt grateful for the way it was presented. The commenter opened by saying that she respected me while also disagreeing with a point I had made. From there she went on to elaborate about why she disagreed and in closing kept the discussion open without personal attacks to support her position. Just in her initial handling of presenting her disagreement of ideas, the first opening sentences, I gained a great deal of mutual respect for her because it was obvious that her goal was to have a discussion and not to prop herself up by belittling others. Further, I admit to the fact that I enjoy it when someone presents an opposing idea or opinion because it allows me to think and grow. Whether I agree or not it gives me the opportunity to delve into the WHY of my opinion and to either strengthen it or discover a crack that I might not have otherwise seen.

Goal #1 – Run A Half Marathon!

Yep, that’s right… I work out regularly because it improves my riding skills and keeps me happy, not to mention healthy. When you go to the gym regularly and develop a routine, everyone will at some point reach a plateau in their progress, and I am not willing to sit in that stagnation! At just over 13 miles, this half marathon is going to test my dedication mentally and physically. The date is set and there are no refunds so I am locked into this goal!

Goal #2 – Bring Jobi back through his retraining to perform Piaffe, Passage and Flying Lead Changes by mid-September!

We have a lot of ground to cover, but even if we fail we will have made progress in the right direction and any positive progress is the right progress to make.

What was important to me in setting these goals was to pick goals which would not encourage me to sacrifice my safety, my horse’s safety, or my ideals. I chose goals which, whether I win or fail I will inevitably enjoy the process even when it is “kicking my butt” difficult. I also chose goals which are not too far out. My marathon kicks off in just under two months.

Have you set any goals in your personal and riding life for this summer? What are they and how will they challenge you to grow?

I took my three dogs out to the local dog park, one in particular is less than a year old, a pitbull mix and if there is a shiny object to catch her attention she will go deaf. Needless to say her training is progressing, not perfect, but progressing. I took the three dogs out and turned two loose, kept my young Honey on her choker leash and proceeded to walk her for a bit because she was so wound up when we arrived she was literally groaning and squealing with joy, not to mention so antsy in her pants she would sit and wiggle like a worm hopped up on caffeine. We walked a quarter of the park like this before she was quiet and listening and I turned her loose. I was aware that when I would talk to her as we wandered the park I kept my voice very low – not on purpose or consciously at first – and she heard me clear as a bell and would return to my side when needed. I spoke lower than the volume I would in a small room having an intimate conversation, and even with a light breeze she heard me.

One little Arabian mare I worked with some years back was very sensitive. She would take all sorts of offenses when being worked and even voice them vocally. She was not mean, aggressive or deviant; she was communicative. It was my duty to take her on and work with her doing in-hand and longing work. Using normal aids she was constantly reacting as though startled and upset, very nervous and eager to move when being asked to halt or wanting to halt long periods of time when finally asked to move. Everyone who watched her being worked remarked at just how difficult she was, nervous, too sensitive and HOT. She was not a clients’ horse or a job, I had no requirements to fulfill or achieve in training her so I took the chance to play instead. I practiced being as quiet as possible with my actions, with my requests. To be lighter than light and more quiet than a mouse. To do less than nothing was my goal with every action I made. This mare went from nervous, sensitive and hot to quiet, relaxed and calm. She turned into the exact opposite of what she was to start out with. She responded quickly but without anxiety, she was no longer startled by any action and was spot on with every request I made.

Sometimes we are louder than we realize and it takes the right situation or interaction for it to become obvious. Our horses cannot do what my parents did when I was young; to literally say to us “you are being too loud, can you talk more quietly?” Instead they communicate with what signals they can and it is our job to interpret those communications. Have you ever watched a rider practicing in an indoor, willing to take risks and in general ride on a longer rein and ask the horse to perform with lightness and grace; who then rides their horse outside of the indoor and suddenly the reins are taught, the rider is stiff and unyielding and their horse begins to dance and not listen? I have, and I have also been that rider at various times in my life.

What does it mean to ride with our indoor arena voice? To be quiet and yielding when needed so the horse can also be quiet and yielding in response. We can ride with the force of less than nothing if we work at it and if we give ourselves the freedom to play with the horse instead of working from demands and expectations.

For too long I had a grudge and not just any grudge, it was one that I didn’t even know existed. This thing, this weight I’ve carried around with me and it has helped to color all of my interactions and I was not even aware it was weighing me down or affecting my relationships. To think of all the interactions I’ve had with people that could have turned out differently had I not been afflicted with the bias of my unknown grudge!

I let go of my grudge, very recently actually. I let go of it and could not believe the freedom I felt, and it was when I let it go that I realized I had even been carrying it around all these years. I was smiling again as freely as I could remember doing as a child, and laughing big belly laughs. I no longer felt unsure of how I should react, or act, or what I ought to say or might be the proper way to say it. In that moment of freedom I could fly on the clouds I was so weightless!

The idea of this grudge has made me question the idea of having the power to shape our own lives vs. nothing happening by mistake. If I hold the idea that I have the power to control my life then perhaps I was carrying this grudge around for longer than was necessary or useful, that I could have chosen to let it go sooner and found the great joy that freedom brought with it much earlier.

On the other hand, if there are no mistakes in life then I was meant to carry that grudge up to the very nanosecond I did. I was not meant to feel free of that weight until just the right moment so I could gain the most valuable lesson from it.

Sometimes this is how I view riding horses. When we work to be better riders there are many times that we struggle through the same lesson again and again, we fight against a bad habit or poor coordination. What truth serves us as riders – the idea that we have the power to change ourselves as riders or the idea that there are no mistakes and every challenge or struggle we face is one we are meant to endure to the very last nanosecond?

What if they both do? Perhaps it is that they both serve us at different times and under various circumstances. I don’t see them as being at odds with one another, but having a synergistic effect together. Being consciously aware of how they affect our personal development; not just as riders but in the global aspect of our lives; can be helpful.

Have you ever hurt yourself to the point of bleeding or bruising or even breaking a bone and not realized that your injury hurt until you LOOKED at it? Or what about people who overcome very great challenges that seem impossible, yet they make it look easy? Perhaps they have not looked down to see the bleeding injury or broken bone of an impossible challenge. Often we do not notice the pain, the challenge, even the opportunity and benefits until after the injury has happened or the impossible been made possible.

When I held my grudge I knew I felt anger, felt hurt, felt uncared about. I was not conscious of my part in the situation or that I had the power to communicate how I felt; that I had the power even to simply forgive those feelings and move on. I was not conscious that carrying that weight for so long would shape me into a certain person who was far more capable of appreciating every joyous moment of no longer bearing that weight; and someone who was not only able to forgive that grudge but to feel genuine love, respect and gratefulness towards the person I had begrudged so long.